Grinding Gears

This page will be our new co-commissioner's platform. Enjoy!

WEEK 5 RECAP 5/5/14

In the spirit of entertainment I usually would try to invest a little more time into league posts but as Dan dickishly pointed out, it has been at least a month since the last recap so here’s the unedited, unfiltered, and unapologetic Week 5 update.

Marc vs Neal: We got to give it up to Neal who takes over the No. 1 spot in the standings after punishing Marc 16-1. Who cares about keeping the worst player in the history of the league when you’ve got Masahiro Tanaka proving that he will not bring shame to his family. Neal’s team has been firing on all cylinders so it seems that all the preseason hate has been unjustified thus far. Meanwhile, after falling into last place in the standings, I’m picturing Marc having to sleep on his side with a pillow between his knees to ease the pain that he used to only get while menstruating. I know you inherited one of the weaker lineups but try to stop being so terrible Marc.

Tom vs Dan: Last week Tom’s incredible pitching went from Kate Upton running on a beach to a Vern Troyer sex tape with 1 HLD, 3 QS, 5.68 ERA, and 1.59 WHIP. Although it made no difference because Dan’s team could only moan in agony as Tom’s team pounded him to a 15-3 victory. It’s not all bad for Dan though cuz he’s still No. 4 in the standings and now he gets to watch games in comfort of his new home on a beautiful donut shaped pillow. Dan should also get a boost from Aroldis Chapman who’s been strong in his rehab work and will light up those relief innings.

Mike vs Bryan: Mike’s team has started to shine after a disappointing start to the year. Billy Butler, Khris Davis, and Prince Fielder aren’t doing him any favors but Stanton, Goldshmidt, and newcomer Yordano Ventura have been lighting up the stat sheets. Bryan was crushed 12-5 but with Jose Abreu leading the league in HR and wild racetrack birthday celebrations in Denver, I’m sure Bryan has long forgotten the loss and probably even most of the weekend by now.

Finally, Matt and I both won 9-8 over Dash and Roger respectively. Both Matt and Dash’s lineups are loaded with injuries but its sure fun seeing Matt’s team No. 8 in the standings through 5 weeks of the season. Some say that even a drunken hobo could have picked a better team around Trout, Cabrera, Rios, Pedroia, and Harper so there’s confusion to how Matt fucked his draft up so bad. Although, even a 1st round BJ Upton pick didn’t stop him from getting through the playoffs as a 4 seed last year so a playoff berth can still probably be expected.

WEEK 1 RECAP 4/7/14

As co-commissioner I feel obligated to make an effort to contribute more to the league than just setting my lineup each week. I’m open to suggestions for future posts in the spirit of entertainment but for now, here’s a recap of the action thus far.

Each of the teams voted to finish in the top three spots all stumbled out the gate like Oscar Pistorius on a booze cruise. The most confounding Matchup of the Week was the brutal beat down that Dan embarrassingly bestowed upon Mike’s team (14-1). Chris Sale dominated but it appears that this butchery was largely due to the lack of performance from what I still expect to be one of the better teams in this league. Some notable performances included the following:

· Billy Hamilton 0/12, 6 K, caught stealing and jammed his diddle finger on his only SB attempt

· Fielder, Lawrie, Donaldson, and Braun combined went 13/95 (.137), 0 HR, 5 RBI, with 17 Ks last week

· In Nate Jones’ 2 relief appearances he gave up 4 ER, 3 BB, and never recorded an out (*immediately cut after landing on the DL)

· Paulai Lama’s entire lineup went 3/53 (.057) with 17 Ks on Wed

· Stanton and Goldshmidt are killing it however, and we can probably expect a strong bounce back from this team in the weeks to come

Dash came out strong and beat up on the new/old-comer Marc 13-3 (Jose Fernandez sure looks good), and both Tom and Bryan triumphed 11-6 over their opponents, Roger and Matt respectively. Hats off to Tom by the way. This man boldly announces that he is punting HR, but yet he currently leads the league in that category after swatting 16 taters in the first week of play. Of course, the stats mean very little after such a small sample size but another example how the Head-to-Head format can be a great equalizer.

Finally, in tremendously boring fashion, Neal and I tied 8-8. So far Justin Upon hasn’t got off to the hot start he had last year (hitting just .182), but the good news is that he’s tied with Bryce Harper for the most strikeouts among owned players (10Ks). Good luck in Week 2

2014 CHOPPERS FANTASY BASEBALL DRAFT RECAP 3/27/14

Gentlemen, the long anticipated 2014 fantasy baseball season is finally upon us. I applaud the efforts of our commish for another excellent draft weekend in wonderful San Luis Obispo. Some highlights of the weekend included the following:

· Frank’s breakfast burritos/Starbuck’s coffee courtesy of Bryan (naturally assuming he’ll find some way to expense/write off the cost)

· Saturday golf where I learned how to play for “skins” (where people initially agree to pay cash based on the # of skins won but then immediately back out after playing the round). Side note: I do have to apologize to my teammate for regularly hitting straight shots that ended up miles to the right because my initial stance was practically always misaligned (who knew alignment was so important in golf?!?)

· The 67-year old man flying solo out downtown that had to be forcibly removed by Mother’s security for being too drunk and disorderly. Even though the old man looked like the guy in my profile picture on TakeMeThereSports.com (I’m a company man), fast forward 30-years and I can easily see Neal following right in his footsteps.

· Ill-advised lying to one’s significant other

· Matt, Mike, and Bryan ending their last night in SLO by eating woodstocks in the hotel room before examining each other’s vaginas with a hand mirror. One even admitted that the only way he keeps his erections is by picturing Vin Diesel’s masculine asshole clenching a hotel key (you know who you are).

· Passing out on the floor of a hotel room occupied by 4 guys while the commissioner sprawled out on his own bed

Anyway, below are the results of the team projections based on the league’s collective opinion. As you can see, Matt’s team is the consensus favorite projected to finish on top.